Game-by-game predictions from your resident sunshine-pumper…
Texans @ Colts – Whatever. We own the AFC South. Suck it, Clots. I’m calling a narrow win.
Bears @ Texans – Caleb Williams is all hype. DeMeco will show him what NFL defenses are like. Win.
Texans @ Vikings – Will it be Sam Darnold or… [checks notes]… J.J. McCarthy? Who cares? Win.
Jags @ Texans – Screw the Jags. Trevor “Easter Island Head” Lawrence is a mid. In our house? Win.
Bills @ Texans – Meh, we’ve gotta lose at some point. Might as well be to Josh Allen. Loss.
Texans @ Pats – Oh my god, I love watching the Pats suck. Their roster is hot steaming garbage. Win.
Texans @ Packers – I’ll give it to Jordan Love and the Packers. They’ve defied expectations. Loss.
Colts @ Texans – Anthony Richardson will be injured by this point. Blowout win.
Texans @ Jets – I’m not scared of the crazy, over-the-hill, unvaccinated corpse of Aaron Rodgers. Win.
Lions @ Texans – The Lions were one game away from the Super Bowl last year. I’ll give it to ’em. Loss.
Texans @ Cowboys – America’s Team, huh? Oh, Jerruh. We’re gonna embarrass y’all. Win.
Titans @ Texans – Will Levis isn’t terrible, but he’s easily the worst QB in our division. Win.
Texans @ Jags – By this point in the season, our offense will have reached nigh superhuman levels. Win.
Bye
Dolphins @ Texans – The Dolphins are good, but not that good. I’m calling a narrow win.
Texans @ Chiefs – Nope, not again. This is the year we finally break through and beat Kermit. Win.
Ravens @ Texans – Ugh, stupid Lamar Jackson. I don’t think we have him solved yet. Heartbreaking Loss.
Texans @ Titans – Hey, remember when we beat these clowns with Case Keenum? Ha! Win.
That’s a 13-4 record, mofos. Bring it on.
