Okay guys, today is Pi Day. And that means it’s time for my annual argument that cheesecake is actually pie. I mean, cheesecake shares far more similarities with pie than with cake. Since when does cake have a crust? And the custard-like filling? Yeah, that’s a pie in my book.

At the time this thread was posted, the Texans had reportedly signed the following free agents:

• TE/FB Andrew Beck
• QB Case Keenum
• DE Chase Winovich
• RB Mike Boone

Nothing sexy. Veteran depth and scheme fit guys.

Beyond that, looks like Laremy Tunsil is not getting traded to the Chiefs, Aaron Rodgers maybe got traded to the Jets (LOL), and Jimmy G signed with the Raiders, so we can finally stop hearing all the endlessly incessant “Jimmy G to Houston” speculation.

Multiple Choice: Why was this morning’s thread posted so late?

1. Josh was abducted by aliens and was only recently returned to Earth.
2. Josh posted late on purpose in order to teach us a valuable lesson about priorities in life.
3. Josh is being bullied by other Texans fan sites for his sheer level of awesomeness.
4. Josh was up late with his fiancée watching Ted Lasso and forgot.

Well folks, the dominos are beginning to fall. The big news items from yesterday were that 1) the Panthers traded up to get the #1 pick from the Bears, and it’s being reported that they want C.J. Stroud; and 2) the Texans signed veteran receiver Robert Woods to a two-deal deal. What will happen next? Who else will we sign? What evil lurks in the hearts of men? The Shadow knows!

Well folks, it’s Friday, which means it’s time for… irresponsible speculation! So we just picked up quarterback E.J. Perry on waivers, who scored the highest overall athletic score in his class at the 2022 NFL Combine. With that kind of skillset for a third-stringer and/or a camp body, could this be a sign that the Texans intend to grab another athletic quarterback, i.e. drafting Anthony Richardson or trading for Lamar Jackson? Discuss!

I would just like to provide some elucidation regarding an incredibly obscure (and pretty humorous, I think) reference I made yesterday. In response to the suggestion that we dig up the corpse of Bud Adams and let Toro drive a four-wheeler over it at halftime, I replied: “Pope Formosus rec.” For those who don’t know, Pope Formosus is famous for something called the “Cadaver Synod,” an event in 897 AD when the new pope dug up his corpse, put him on trial for various crimes, found him guilty, and finally threw his body into a river. This has been your bizarre history lesson of the day. Oh, and speaking of weird things that happened at the Vatican during the Middle Ages, go read about the Banquet of Chestnuts.

Well folks, today is International Women’s Day, so I thought it would be appropriate to recognize some important women in my life. Obviously the first two spots go to my mom and my fiancée, both of whom continue to tolerate me. But beyond these glaring choices, I’d also like to nominate my 6th grade English teacher, Ms. Metzler, who remains one of my all-time favorite teachers to this day and who taught me a lot of cool vocabulary words like erudite and curmudgeon and loquacious and belligerent and cumbersome. Lastly, I’d like to nominate Jennifer Connelly, who, in the movie The Rocketeer, made me feel all tingly and jingly inside for the first time when I was nine years old. Cheers!

There’s a little over a week left until free agency. Who do you wanna see the Texans pick up?

Well folks, our very own Houston Roughnecks remain undefeated! I tell ya what, the offense may not have P.J. Walker’s highlight reel plays anymore, but Wade Phillips’ defense is a hell of a lot of fun to watch. On an unrelated note, I feel like my comment about music last week sparked a lot of conversation, so today I wanna recommend a lesser known band called The Wild Feathers. They’re a southern/country rock band with three vocalists, all of whom were lead singers in previous bands. On their debut album, I heard bits of the Allman Brothers, the Black Crowes, and Tom Petty, and I immediately fell in love with their beautiful three-part harmonies. Their second album, Lonely Is a Lifetime, was a little more rock-based (but still good), although their third album, Greetings from the Neon Frontier, is like the second coming of the Eagles. Y’all should definitely check them out.

Boom shaka laka.