80 for 80 (n.) – One of the greatest days in Texans history. The drive led by T.J. Yates against the Cincinnati Bengals in 2011 which resulted in a Texans win, and their first ever playoff berth.
AllenOU’d (v.) – To double post accidentally.
AllenOU’d (v.) – To double post accidentally.
Assmass (n.) – How big a player’s ass is, as measured in pounds or kilograms.
Baddest Person Who Ever Lived, The (n.) – Andre Johnson (we dare anyone to prove this wrong).
Bamboozle (v.) – To deceive by underhanded means, to convince front office personnel that you are healthy and able to contribute despite knowing full well this is untrue.
BANNED! (adj.) – Threatening to ban somebody from the blog for no reason. Generally used by people without power to do so.
Battle Red Carpet Defense (n.) – Alleged scheme of former Texans’ defensive coordinator Frank Bush. Prevented no opposing team from scoring at will against the Texans. Seemingly revived in 2020 by Anthony Weaver, despite his best efforts.
Battlefighting (v.) – To try really, really hard to compete, despite the complete lack of results from said efforts. Favored word of former Texans coach Gary Kubiak.
Beelzebud (n.) – Kenneth Stanley “Bud” Adams, late owner of the BESFs, still supreme ruler of Hell.
Beercan (n.) – Former Texans kicker Randy Bullock.
BESFs (n.) – Baby-Eating Sister-F***ers, also known as the Tennessee Titans, the Flaming Thumbtacks, or Bud Adams’ Army of Darkness. For the original video, click HERE.
Bleach (n.) – The drink of preference for watching the Texans play. Mixes well with paint thinner.
BOB (n.) – Former Houston Texans head coach and GM Bill O’Brien. Also known as “Buttchin.” He f***in’ loves Rick Ross and trading away good players for next to nothing.
BOB’d (v.) – Using clichéd Texans on-brand messaging such as “Trying to be the best teammate [or other noun] I can be”, “Trying to get better every day”, “We are turning the page”, etc.
Boyce’d (v.) – Used whenever an obvious joke and/or sarcastic comment goes over someone’s head.
Captain, The (n.) – DeMeco Ryans, former linebacker and current head coach of the Houston Texans.
Cokeboys (n.) – Football team from Arlington, Southern Oklahoma, constant pretenders to the throne. Also known as the Cowgirls.
Comicle, The (n.) – A Houston newspaper whose coverage of sports often appears to be written by bored chimpanzees.
Cost-Effective (adj.) – Coachspeak for a crappy player who barely justifies his draft position.
Dallas (n.) – City (term used loosely) without a football team; closest city to it with a NFL team is Arlington.
Darth Hoodie (n.) – Patriots coach Bill Belichick, who is clearly an evil Sith Lord.
Dead Horse (n.) – The only proper response to any joke made about the Texans having a lot of tight ends. Essentially moot since the end of the Kubiak era, and later overtaken by endless conversations about failing to re-sign A.J. Bouye and the ultimate fate of Colin Kaepernick.
Dierdorf’d (v.) – Pretending to be knowledgeable while being so lazy, ignorant, and verbose that you reveal your shallowness in excruciating detail.
Durga (n.) – A Hindu goddess to whom Texans fans pray for victory, though she usually ignores them.
DW4 (n.) – Former Texans (and current Browns) QB Deshaun Watson, known for sexually assaulting female masseuses by asking them to stick their fingers in his butthole. Also see “bitch.”
Easterby (v.) – to totally annihilate and decimate any semblance of functionality and order in a person, group, or organization; to create chaos in even a well-run organism. Example: The Great Recession totally Easterby’d the nation’s farming industry.
Elite As F**k (adj.) – Statement uttered when an overrated quarterback throws a poorly thought-out interception. Usually in reference to washed-up quarterback Joe Flacco.
Fitzmagic (n.) – Former Texans QB and beloved homeless person Ryan Fitzpatrick.
Five-Head (n.) – Retired QB Peyton Manning, possessor of an oversized forehead. Possibly the cause of Manning’s neck injury.
F***stomp (v.) – To embarrass or destroy the opposing team. Loss usually results with double facepalm. Many bandwagoners of the affected team either jump ship before sinking or denying their team support three times before the rooster crows. Example: The Tennessee Titans got f***stomped by the Houston Texans, 57-14.
G.O.A.T. (n.) – Short for “Greatest of All Time.” Used in reference to Andre Johnson, but also used more recently in reference to J.J. Watt or (somewhat sarcastically) Jacob Martin.
Going Down to Field Level (exp.) – The surefire solution to all of life’s problems, defense-related or otherwise.
Gozer (n.) – Sumerian deity to whom Texans fans pray for bad luck to fall upon other teams; patron deity of haters.
Hackenb**** (n.) – Any person who once hoped Texans coach Bill O’Brien would draft former Penn State quarterback (and O’Brien disciple) Christian Hackenberg, despite the fact that he sucks.
Happy Socks (n.) – Fan-favorite cornerback Charles James II, named for the colorful, eccentric socks he wears. Most recently played for the still undefeated Houston Roughnecks.
He Who Shall Not Be Named (n.) – Former Broncos backup QB who stole a lot of money from Rick Smith and cost the Texans a second round pick to dump (worth it). Notable for his total lack of personality and stupid tattoo with a glaring grammatical error. Also known as “Unperson”, “[REDACTED]”, “Baby Giraffe”, or “Brock Lobster.”
Heh (int.) – An expression of mild amusement.
High Motors (n.) – What the defense’s players supposedly have.
HOL (int.) – Short form of “heh out loud.” An expression of greater amusement than heh.
Hoyer (v.) – To fail despite making every honest attempt to be successful. Named after former Texans quarterback Brian Hoyer.
Hoyering, The (n.) – One of the darkest days in Texans history, when human potato Brian Hoyer royally crapped the bed in the playoffs against the Kansas City Chiefs, ultimately finishing the 30-0 loss with two fumbles, four interceptions, and zero touchdowns.
Huggy’d (v.) – The art and/or science of bashing discussions with funny yet extreme commenting.
Human Coke Machine, The (n.) – Former Texans FB Vonta Leach.
Innegan (n.) – Cornerback formerly known as Cortland Finnegan, who had the ‘F’ beaten out of him by The Baddest Person Who Ever Lived.
It’s On Me (exp.) – Apologetic phrase coined by former Texans head coach Gary Kubiak when something awful happened on the field. Never used sincerely by Texans fans; possibly not even by Kubiak. Similar to BOB’s trademark response, “Gotta coach better, gotta play better.”
Jerrah (n.) – Jerry Jones, owner of the Cokeboys/Cowgirls franchise in Dallas/Arlington. May or may not have been exposed to the Ark of the Covenant.
Just Winz Gamez (exp.) – The excuse given by fans of a team with a quarterback who can’t throw or run the ball but his team still comes out victorious. Examples include: Tim Tebow, Vince Young, Peyton Manning (circa 2015).
K-Jax (n.) – Former Texans cornerback Kareem Jackson, layer of wood.
Keenumania (n.) – The deluded hope that former University of Houston quarterback and NFL journeyman Case Keenum might ever develop into a starting-caliber quarterback.
Kubillips (n.) – An unholy fusion of a very good offensive mind in Gary Kubiak and excellent defensive mind in Wade Phillips. Banished from Houston only to win a Super Bowl in Denver.
Letterman Jackets (n.) – Conceived as a way to show solidarity before going to New England to face the Patriots. Believed to be cursed.
Marciano Trench (n.) – The pit of despair caused by watching years of awful special teams caused by former Texans special teams coach Joe Marciano.
Marciano’d (v.) – To take a thing with potential (particularly a special teams unit) and make it worse; way, way worse.
McGuirk’d (v.) – [definition removed by management due to lewd content]
Megawatt (n.) – Texans legend and all-around great individual J.J. Watt. Eats burritos bigger than Ray Rice.
Methopotamia (n.) – Tennessee, a foul, plague-ridden land where the BESFs reside.
Mittens (n.) – Former Texans QB David Carr.
Mothership (n.) – HoustonTexans.com, the official website of the Houston Texans.
Nuk (n.) – Former Texans WR DeAndre Hopkins (also known as “Hop”), whose lopsided trade to the Cardinals played a significant role in BOB finally being kicked to the curb.
OD (n.) – Former Texans TE, and part-time secret agent, Owen Daniels.
OMB’d (v.) – To write a massive, virtually impenetrable wall of text in a single comment; not to be confused with a WizWall. Named for the founder and former admin of TexansChat.com.
One Job (n.) – Former Texans OLB and mid-round draft pick Sam Montgomery. Only had one job which he could not perform. Thrown off the team for breaking unspecified team rules.
Pancakes (n.) – A Texas–sized version of the Sally Struthers character from South Park who seems more preoccupied with landing movie roles than writing about sports. Primary chimpanzee who occasionally writes for the Comicle about the Texans when not writing about Baylor or Methopotamia.
Piccolo (n.) – QB Josh Dobbs, who looks like Piccolo from Dragonball Z.
Pterodactyl (n.) – Former Texans RB and team poet laureate Arian Foster. Fluently speaks the language of said dinosaur. Released a rap album under the name “Bobby Feeno.”
Q-Tip (n.) – The second darkest day in Houston Texans history. Former Texans cornerback Glover Quin’s attempt to bat down a Hail Mary pass only to have it land in the hands of a Jaguars receiver for a game-winning touchdown.
QB Fever (n.) – A pathological delusion that whoever plays under center for the Texans will either be a) The savior of the team or b) Nowhere near as bad here as he was in previous stops. Cured in the 2023 NFL Draft with the acquisition of C.J. Stroud.
RAC (n.) – Nickname for Romeo Crennel, former defensive coordinator and interim head coach for the Houston Texans. Reportedly dances comically in the locker room.
Random Asian Dude Doing Special Needs Art (n.) – A troll-level video clip whose only rival in hilarity is that clip from Mac & Me with the wheelchair kid falling off a cliff, which Paul Rudd used to always bring on Conan O’Brien’s show. The bane of Trutxfan’s existence.
Rec’d. (n.) – To click the recommend button on a comment, giving approval to someone’s comment and, in some cases, validating that person’s existence.
- [Wrong Movie or TV Show] Rec! (v.) – The practice of responding to a picture or a gif with the name of a totally different movie or TV show, often featuring the same actor, for (alleged) comedic purposes. Origin unknown. Often results in getting Boyce’d.
Rosencopter (n.) – The darkest day in Houston Texans history. Sage Rosenfels’ attempt to get one more first down against Indy led to the Texans coughing up a 17 point lead with five minutes left to play.
Rule 80 (n.) – Any image/GIF of Andre Johnson must be rec’d. regardless of circumstance. Currently under review for possible name change to “Rule 99.”
Ryan Mallett’s Alarm Clock (n.) – A non-functioning item responsible for not one but two times where the former Texans quarterback was late for team activities/flights.
Set the edge, Kourtnei! (int.) – Teaching tool used with limited effect by former LB coach Mike Vrabel on Kourtnei Brown during an episode of HBO’s Hard Knocks.
Schaub (v.) – To throw an interception that is returned for a touchdown (also known as a pick six). Named after former Texans QB Matt Schaub.
Schaubenfreude (n.) – The act of enjoying the sight of another team having quarterback problems.
Stephen Anderson (n.) – Former Texans TE who is always open (which is nice).
Tillman’d (v.) – To speak on a subject or subjects with such language that renders one incomprehensible to others and to himself. Example: Run with intentionality, or plays have a bibliography and footnotes.
TEXSON’d (n.) – To make bold yet unverifiable claims based on little to no supporting evidence.
Than (n.) – Pagan god of municipal parking and reverse psychology who vies with Durga and Gozer for the souls of Texans fans.
Tommy Boy (n.) – Cal McNair, son of Uncle Bob, who inherited the Houston Texans despite having little to no idea how to actually run the team. His wife Hannah seems to be the brains of the outfit.
Uncle Bob (n.) – Former Texans owner Bob McNair (R.I.P.).
Weejay (n.) – Off-and-on Texans’ backup QB, one-time QB coach, and perennial bane of the Cincinnati Bengals’ existence, T.J. Yates.
Weightspeed (n.) – The sum of weight and speed. Extremely useful in gauging a player’s ability as well as determining liability in motor vehicle collisions.
Wishy-Washy (adj.) – Criticism of Texans fans made famous by former Texans RB Ben Tate; implies Texans fans are fickle.
Wizwall (n.) – A series of four or more consecutive comments where the original poster will reply to his own previous comment.
Wormtongue (n.) – Jack Easterby, a team pastor and “character coach” with zero football qualifications, who somehow convinced Cal McNair to let him run the Texans into the ground.
Z Key, The (n.) – A way of quickly reading through new comments at the bottom of every post; also the answer to all of life’s problems.